I Left my Heart in San Francisco


Long ago, in the city of exile and joy: back row from left, Wei Phanh, Claire O’Brien, Jesse G. Front, Judith L. / C.O’Brien 2014

This is a story about three of the best friends I ever had. We met long ago in a job training program run by the Salvation Army  in San Francisco.  Wei Phanh was a Vietnamese immigrant, Jesse was a middle-aged Chicano man who’d fallen off the wagon after 15 years of sobriety, and Judith L. was recently sober, a Jewish artist  from Brooklyn, New York.  My own qualifications were simply Low Income Uneducated Youth.  I don’t know if those are still qualifications, but they were enough to get me in the door – long ago.

Long ago,  San Francisco was far away. It was not always a white, gentrified, compound with the highest real estate prices in the nation.

It was first a city of conquest and thus had a huge Latino neighborhood, the Mission District, which was filled with large exterior murals,  flowers,  baskets of fruit for sale, salsa and mariachi bands, parades, Caporera masters and their students, drumming groups, churches, and restaurants with Christmas lights twinkling all year round.

The Virgin Mary was everywhere in the Mission District.  So were poor people.

The Fillmore was a historically African-American neighborhood, beautifully described by Maya Angelou throughout her autobiographical series. Chinatown was exactly that, and as old as the city itself. Fishermen and bakers lived and worked in Little Italy, and the descendents of hippies had expanded the Haight-Ashbury Free Clinic to a major municipal health service.

The Tenderloin was a genuine slum, with people laying on the sidewalk, either napping or passed out, open drug dealing, prostitution, and violence. Many Vietnamese and Cambodian immigrants also lived there, working 18-hour-days to keep small businesses open.

Gay men had flocked to the city’s Castro District by the thousands, refugees from the towns and cities that despised them, and lesbians had established a very viable but smaller and far less dominant presence in the Mission.  They had elected a gay mayor, seen him murdered in cold blood and had rioted in the streets, setting San Francisco on fire and putting the nation on notice.

Working-class white people lived in the Avenues on the city’s western edge. Rich people, mostly white, lived in places like Pacific Heights and Nob Hill, and seemed to understand that although they owned mansions in these exquisite places, they didn’t own San Francisco itself – which, being a peninsula, has a very finite amount of land.


Outdoor mural / Artist, photo info unknown

Long ago, San Francisco was packed with exiles. You could say freely that you didn’t suit the people and circumstances of your origins and just receive a smile and a nod of recognition. My friend, Akamu, had been kicked out of his family home at gunpoint at the age of 14 for being gay. My friend Johann had been locked up at 16 for being sad, and my friend Lisa had been officially and legally un-adopted by her family when she was 17.

New people were in a daze for at least a month, as they slowly figured out that defective kids were evidently some kind of national plague. Most arrived convinced that they were one of a handful of shameful freaks –  but clearly, countless other  families had also been forced to eject a  bad apple from their midst.  It was common to meet people who had been abused, marginalized, kicked out, objected to and silenced – people who just didn’t fit in and didn’t have the sense to hide it. They had failed to please, they had missed the boat,  troublemakers who had seen too much and could not pretend they hadn’t.  They were resisters, yet were easilly tricked by every cheap offer posing as hope.    They had been on the wrong side, they had  lost the war,  then  found their way again – and quickly lost  it.

The most important things they learned long ago in San Francisco were that they knew the truth –  and would be believed.

But the most important thing they did was to  have fun.

                                      Φ  ~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~  Φ  

 About 25 of  them, including me, gathered daily in the San Francisco Salvation Army training center ( South of Market) under the tutelage of an old man named Cecil and learned how to be printers on an old AB Dick press. We did everything from layout to  processing film to inking up the press and collating our final efforts:  Salvation Army flyers and newsletters.  Actually, only a few people got to really learn. And for some inexplicable reason, I was one of them.

That’s because  from the moment I first walked in the door, the program’s real leaders,  Wei Phan, Jesse G. and Judith L.  embraced me. Don’t ask me why.  Jesse and Judith had been through very hard times, and Wei had survived the trauma of an obscenely destructive war. Yet, the three of them took me in and, well … indulged me.

Maybe it was my extreme youth: Jesse and Judith were in their early forties, old enough to be my parents,  and Wei was in his mid-thirties. Maybe it was my crew cut (I was in love with Sinead O’Connor), my skateboard, my loud expressions of political passion, my ungrateful attitude towards the Salvation Army or my suggestions that we unionize, which were met with huge amusement. Maybe it was because I had arrived in San Francisco alone with $100 in my pocket.

Maybe it was because I was an exile.

Whatever the reason, for the first time in my life, I was part of the in-crowd.

                                       Φ  ————— Δ —————  Φ

Jesse was the most maternal person I’ve ever met. Before falling off the wagon, he had worked for the city health department, driving around the city in a van picking up drunks and bringing them to detox. He missed his job passionately – and San Francisco’s street alcoholics missed him.  The police deferred to Jesse’s judgement before hauling drunks off to detox on their own: if he said a guy wasn’t ready because he had to have some alcohol in his system ASAP, they’d leave the guy alone and Jesse would buy him a pint. Then he’d pick the guy up in a few hours or maybe the next morning and take him in.

Jesse took care of his guys with great tenderness. He loved them. And he treated me with the same tenderness. He should have been somebody’s mother.

Judith brought me healthy snacks and made me earrings and listened to stories about my obscure band and its tiny gigs as if we were the Rolling Stones. We’d sit on high stools, peacefully taping film on layout sheets and discuss Brooklyn, art, the High Holidays, and communism.

Wei was incredibly, incredibly gracious. Every morning, I entered the shop, yelled “Chou anh, Mr. Phanh!” and skated over to him while  Cecil yelled at me to get the hell off that damn skateboard and Wei turned his head to muffle his laughter. For some reason, he found me to be hilarious and it went right to my head: there was nothing I loved more than making Wei Phanh laugh. As soon as I saw him, I practically went on stage and he encouraged me by chortling at every stunt I pulled. Irreverence struck Wei’s funny bone with particular force: he was basically responsible for my  imitations of the Salvation Army captain ringing a Christmas bell in July for Jesus, the private sector,  the conversion of Asia and democracy

Wei was by far the most advanced student, and the only person Cecil allowed to run the press alone. He took great pains to teach me, and was infinitely patient and skillful. We never discussed the Vietnam War, as Wei made it clear that he did not want to. Sometimes he cooked delicious little dumplings for us. I gave him a t-shirt with a logo of a band called the Lemonheads; Wei thought it was hysterical and wore it all the time.

                                                ____ o ____ o ____ o ____ o____

I think of those days as a glorious kind of  blessing. As the old press rumbled along, my friends and I made sure the rollers were evenly inked, and then inspected our work with pride. We ate dumplings and oranges, played spades, sat so close together our shoulders and knees touched, and told one another stories.

Outside was our city – blooming, feisty, nervy, outrageous and welcoming.

___ 0 ___ 0___ 0 ___ 0 __ 0 ___

2012-01-01 3 pals SF 004

“Where little cable cars climb – hey, what IS a cable car anyway?”
The San Francisco Smart Ass Club and Tourist Information Service/O’Brien 2013

                                                                                             )O(         )O(         )O(         )O(         )O(


32 thoughts on “I Left my Heart in San Francisco

  1. That is gorgeous–so warm and at the same time so expansive. It gives me a picture of the city at that time, and at this time, and also a close up of this small group of people. It left me feeling both warm and weepy, and it makes me think about the people who were kind to me when I was young and awkward–and god, was I awkward. For reasons that seem complicated to me–although for all I know they’re not and I’m complicating what could be simple–I’ve never written about them, but I think about them often, with gratitude.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m finding myself very moved by people’s comments on this. It’s a reblog – I guess I didn’t know much it meant to me until now.
      I can easilly imagine you there. As well as the folks who were kind to you…
      Thanks, Ellen…


    1. Valerie, your eye always catches the heart of what I hope to convey. In this case, noticing the use of an “in-crowd” in this social context …
      I keep trying to figure out if I have the skill to write the stories you mention .. I’m a fan of restraint re. certain kinds of writing, and in the end I’m still too much of a big-mouth, I think.
      I don’t know: maybe not. Thanks for getting me thinking about it!


  2. Great story about my favorite city. I would also like to mention the Bayview-Hunters Point district whose shipyard employed thousands of blue collar workers during and after WWII including many Blacks who had migrated there from the South. It was a cornerstone of middle class prosperity for the region where my father toiled for many years.


  3. That was wonderful Claire. I could actually see Wei Phanh turning his head and laughing. In fact, you captured the essence of your life at that time and drew us all in. I thank you for that. It brought a bit of nostalgia to me.


    1. Thank-you, dear Shelby. Your response means a lot to me.
      I read that San Francisco is buying homeless people one-way tickets to Alberquerqe, New Mexico and forcing them to leave town. Now they are accumulating near the bus station in Alberquerque, lost in a strange land where the temps get down to the 20s and 30s at night.


      1. You see, that is what they are supposed to do, die. Because who can survive endless nights in below freezing temperatures when they are already most likely sick? Unfortunately, this is the new norm in attempting to get rid of the homeless. This is all just so heartbreakingly sad. I don’t know when we will finally stop putting up with this and say, “enough is enough!” Sigh!!!!


      2. I don’t think it will happen without a revolution, Shelby. We live in a violent society that doesn’t value human life…
        You know, when I click on you, I get a notice that “This site no longer exists”. I got to your site yesterday through the WordPress Reader. Has anyone else mentioned this to you? If not, the problem is all at my end.


      3. “This site no longer exists”.

        You’re the first one to mention it to me. I am not surprised and it’s probably not you. Since I’m not writing about flowers, spring showers and sunbeams, and the fact that my posts would be none too popular with certain spying agencies, I would not be surprised at anything. I am going to look into it. And I thank you for bringing it to my attention.


  4. Beautiful rumination on days gone by, Claire. I’ve heard the Haight has been gentrified also. I’ve never been to SanFran but hope too, one day.


    1. Thanks, Jeff.
      It’s really the entire city now – working-class people have been forced further and further across the Bay, so that they face two hour – EACH WAY! – commutes.
      There are still some public housing projects for poor people, but – someone tell me if I’m wrong – I don’t think there’s any part of San Francisco that hasn’t been gentrified.
      You could still have a fun trip, though, and I hope you get to go.
      Thanks a lot for writing.


      1. Hey, thanks, Jeff!
        I’m thinking I might write a post based on this article – I mean, using it as the nucleus. But not if you were thinking of doing so, of course.
        I was not there in the ’60s and 70s, but I AM familiar with some of these.
        Thanks again!


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