D o n a l d T r u m p ~~ C h i e f o f P r o t o c a l
U n i t e d S t a t e s o f A m e r i c a
A L E C T. Party, Emergency Management President
H.R.M ~.~ Queen Elizabeth
Your Royal Majesty,
I write to ask your assistance with a number of our wealthiest elite who are so taken with our decision to establish a formal American aristocracy that they have become quite indiscrete. More frankly, their exuberance re. the monarchy is eclipsed only by their complete ignorance of it. Thus, we need to get them out of the country before anyone starts to compare all those tweets.
We hate to impose, but London is the only place we could persuade them to go for two months. You see, we told them that no new aristocrat worth his salt would even consider going anywhere else for his training. And no, Your Majesty, I have no idea of what that might be. I imagine one could make it up as one went along. I’d suggest sending them out for things like “The Ingredients of Hadrian’s Last Lunch” – with any luck, they are sure to get lost for the day.
Oh, an email from the CIA just popped up telling your government to name its price. We’ll pay you anything to take our new royals off our hands, as unrest throughout the lower classes is the last thing we dare risk right now. We can’t have our trillionaires setting off a revolt before we deport our poor whites and Latinos to Ukraine, Romania, Crimea, and the Czech Republic, and imprison all our Blacks. After we settle our Aisans on Techno Reservations scattered throughout the Great Plains, we shall deport every undocumented alien to Somalia. Maybe they’ll find work as pirates.
Of course, we’ll keep as many educated, skilled trade, and service whites as we need to run our affairs, but they won’t be doing too much thinking, not with the those microchips planted in their brains. And to reasure you further – we keep a firm grip on our southern hemisphere, and can establish a military junta anywhere below our southern border within 48 hours.
A TRUMP TOWER FOR EVERY AMERICAN ARISTOCRAT
Do you think we could send our fellows along next month? Please don’t bother with arranging hotel accomodations, as they insist that convention dictates American royals stay at the royal residences. Is there room for them throughout your palaces and country estates?
One more logistical matter – I’m afraid they’ll be insufferable without a private butler each, and have refused to bring their own staff. ( Unfortunately, Mrs. Romney opined that non-English butlers are petit-bougoius and neuveu riche just moments before her new French tutor recalled his urgent appointment in the East River)
The Koch brothers strongly suggest that you put up bunk beds for the butlers.
Interim President ALEC T. Parte joins me in expressing our deepest appreciation for your hospitality during this delicate transition. Air Force Two will arrive at the arranged time tonight to transport your Crown Jewels and England’s other moveable assets to an underground location, where you may rest assured they will be safe from grimy working class masses.
TOXIC WASTE DUMPS HIDE OUR WEALTH PERFECTLY/O’B/2012
In less than a month, you’ll be able to spread out once again : Ireland’s population will be relocated to the Free State of Parnell in northwestern Siberia by October 3. We will start a civil war before sealing off the valley exits.
Thank-you for your assistance in emptying Canada for us. Maybe the French-speakers will finally quit complaining, now that they have their own Candide’s Homeland in rural South Africa, and the rest will do nicely to populate Australia’s remote interior.
Within 18 months, all of Africa’s political, economic, and social issues will be resolved: in a good old American prison. A 24/7 construction schedule, a labor force conscripting every Indian tribe on the continent and 6,000 square miles to build on, will settle the question of the African ” place” once and for all. A third of the continent will be set aside for big game hunting, and the warm coastal regions will become spacious resorts. The remainder of Africa will be designated a World Natural Resource Pantry, supplying its numerous automated processing centers with everything that can be squeezed from the continent.
MY BACK COTTAGE
Fortunately, the Mideast’s existing infrastructure is more than sufficient to produce the oil needs of such a drastically reduced global population. The region will most likely have to be cleansed, as resistence is far too entrenched to justfy the resources to restrain it. Future regional cleansings will be presented to you by your own intelligence agencies.
Let us hope that our plans proceed with mutual efficiency and discretion. God is on our side.
Finally, we shall be honored by your presence at our first annual Celebration of Everything Us, to be held in a year at the vast Rainforest Resort, in present day Guatemala,
Your Honored Servant (heh heh)
High Duke Donald Trump
Order of the Royal Girdle of Western Civilization
Association of American Aristocrats
P.S. When you have a moment, would you be good enough to have Scotland Yard look around the office for Obama’s birth certificate again? Prince McCain thinks the CIA might have mistakenly left our copy on a desk in the Russian Affairs Division during the Olympics. We’d like to change the place of birth to Syria and make him illegitimate.
Also, would you autograph my family crest? It’s not quite ready, as I’m still deciding between a unicorn and Trump Towers.