EMPRESS AND HER CABINET LEAD ATTACK IN PERSON
From left, Coordinator of Defense, known only as O’Boyle, Empress I’m the Boss of You, Secretary of State Kito Gamble, and Minister of Justice Joshua Drayton. Note that O’Boyle proudly rests her elbows on a weapon of mass destruction.
Following a shocking terrorist attack on the Federal Reserve, I.C.E, has been granted temporary political control of the nation.
Leaders of the government installed in Phoenix by the invading Zapata-Nat Turner-Geronimo Coalition raided the Federal Reserve in a surprise attack that immobilized the System’s Fourth District Bank in Cleveland, leaving its officers stunned and without comment. The operation was personally led by the Empress of America herself, whose full title is I’m the Boss of You IV. She drove a custom-made Terror Tank, followed by two of the Coalition’s international volunteer units, the Victor Jara Brigade (Chile) and the Harriet Tubman Brigade (US)
The House granted Designated for Unilateral Approval status to the ICE National Emergency Plan, citing its authority in the absence of the Senate, the President, and the entire Cabinet. ICE immediately declared martial law and issued a cautionary description of its authority to the public, detailing the broad scope of its new powers. A sharp warning was directed to “the entire media, broadly defined”, promising swift penalties to those who questioned “the complete accuracy of the evidence, captured via state of the art surveillance technology.”
As of press time, ICE had forbidden the Future Farmers of America and the 4-H Club from issuing further “helpful comment” identifying the WMD captured (above) on drone surveillance tapes.
“Pay attention to your chickens and hogs and leave national security to us, kids” they were warned.
ICE also banned the National Junior High School Press Association from further use of the word “wheelbarrow”, and sent its Washington correspondent, 8th grader Tupcac Wells, back to Newark, NJ. Wells was demoted to the city desk and assigned the cafeteria beat. He was also given a year of after-school detention and informed of a write-up in his permanent record for a sarcastic editorial questioning the existence of the Presidential/Senate/Cabinet Extra Long Private Vacation.
ICE praised the White House Press Corps for its patriotism and promised the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and the Washington Post extended access to surveillance tapes of the invasion, including close-up footage of the Coalition’s weapons of mass destruction. Reporters from the three newspapers termed the existing evidence as meeting the highest standards of proof and said they saw no basis for investigating Wells’ allegations re. the PSCEL Private Vacation.
“Tupac was always lecturing us about something,” said a Washington Post Reporter. “I’m glad I don’t have to listen to the little show-off quote I.F.Stone anymore.”
UPDATE: I.F. Stone’s Weekly is banned until further notice